i haven't blogged here much lately. oh, fear not, dear reader: i've had lots of thoughts and opinions--those things never change about me. i am never at a loss of those. but i take very seriously my employer's objectivity and the fact that i have made no secret of who that is. i'm proud of working for rand. i think we do important work there. but a lot of what i work on is highly relevant to what's in the news these days and, frankly, those current events are what i'd be blogging about if i didn't work where i do. so...i keep it out of this domain. it's a small price to pay for the privilege of working on research that *is* so incredibly fascinating, timely--pertinent to the world around me in virtually every minute of a national newscast.
when not contemplating the news or work, i had been spending an inordinate amount of time crippled by migraines. that's been true most of the summer--six out of every seven days for the last four weeks, slightly less than that in may through july, and about three days per week the first half of the year. finally, i called my neurologist in desperation last week, begging for a cycle-breaker. usually he phones in a prescription for a few little steroid pills that i take for three days in decreasing doses, and it stops the cycle of pain in which i seem to be stuck, and i get back to relatively normal and life goes on. this time, though, he called in some big guns--medrol, it's called--and told his office to schedule an appointment with me for later in the week. now, this is a man with whom it normally takes four months to get your first appointment, and you never leave without scheduling your next one.
it was a good thing.
i went in first thing friday morning. it took me four tries to park the car in the parking deck. not because i couldn't find spaces--i was driving by spaces. i was riddled with anxiety--not about the appointment, but about how dangerous backing out of each space would be. this one had a pillar that would block me from seeing cars coming around this corner. the next one didn't have the pillar blocking, but was too snug to get my new suv in--clearly this deck was built for compacts or something, i clucked (ignoring the fact that it was teeming with suvs and minivans). when i finally did find just the right spot, i noticed that other cars nearby had backed in. i nearly had a panic attack knowing i could never do that without damaging something. finally, i got a grip and realized i was really suffering from some serious anxiety issues. get to the damned doctor already.
my knitting kept me company in the office until the physician's assistant did his intake. normally dr. kaniecki does this himself, and i didn't really like the pa doing it. most of the people who work at the headache center suffer from headaches themselves, and you can tell this when you talk to them. they get it. they know how you feel and what you're going through. clearly this guy did not. it's okay. he asked me the questions on the intake form, and many things became clear.
basically, he took me through an abbreviated form of the holmes and rahe stress inventory. how did i do? in the last 12 months, i've had a personal injury or illness (remember this winter, with the whole g/i thing, which continues somewhat, and the colonoscopy fiasco? not to mention, of course, the chronic migraines). score for that: 53. i got married (score: 50). my stepfather's health has deteriorated dramatically--i totally broke down when he asked me about this. score for this: 44. in june, i took on new job responsibilities (score: 29). smartboy started a new job (score: 26). and christmas alone adds 12 points. and i didn't even get to joe or the fact that i spend all day every day reading about military crap in the middle east or terrorism analysis (what could be stressful about that?). my total: 214 points, which falls into the second-highest category, moderate stress. and i had a lot of trouble keeping it together during these questions--especially when talking about the colonoscopy and about my stepfather. i was surprised, actually, to feel how raw those emotions were when finally allowed to surface. all this time, i'd really thought the headaches had been climate-related, maybe slightly related to work stress.
so after the rest of the neuro workup, he went in to talk to dr. k. after a while, dr. k brought me into his office. now, let me tell you about dr. k. this man is...he is unlike any doctor i have ever known. i cannot tell you how amazing, how relieving, how therapeutic it is to go for help with a problem to a specialist *in* that problem who also *suffers* from that problem. he gets it. he doesn't sit across from his desk and say, academically, "well, what you've been suffering from is..." he says, "the reason we experience it this way is because we have..." we. when's the last time your doctor said that word to you? there is nothing to make you feel less of a freak than that.
he asked me, on a scale of 1 to 10, where my anxiety level is. the tears flowed again, and after thinking for a moment, i said a 9. there's nothing i don't worry about. i told him about my ridiculousness in the parking deck. he couldn't have been more understanding and compassionate, and assured me that i was not alone, that he sees this in migraineurs every day. he then asked, on the same scale, where my depression scale is. i was stunned. i hadn't thought of myself as depressed at all. my life is great, right? i celebrate my first wedding anniversary in one month, of marriage to a man i love; we have a house we're about to start remodeling; we have two beautiful, healthy dogs; i have a wonderful new car; i have a job i adore. but the telltale tears welled again and gave me away. i *am* sad a lot. i worry constantly. i miss my closest friends and often feel lonely and, oddly, abandoned. i wake up earlier every morning and can never get back to sleep. lately it's about 4:30am, but i know this pattern well: it'll be 3:30 in a month. "eight," i replied.
so we agreed that i need a little help for a while. apparently, my hormone and chemical levels are as bad as they'll ever be for migraine--40-year-old women just are. it will get better. but this peak, in combination with the stressors in my life, make this, as he called it, a perfect storm. so, in addition to magnesium and topamax every night, which i was already taking, and butterbur in the morning and evening, all of which are long-term, he's prescribed an antidepressant as well as a benzodiazepine to help me sleep, both for some indeterminate--but temporary--time. six months, maybe. and for this week, to break the wicked cycle of migraines i've been experiencing this summer, the steroids.
and all of it is helping already. the pain is so much less and my sense of panic so much less. some of that is surely just knowing that dr. k is helping me--i often feel that sense of relief just after calling him and hearing him say he'll call something in for me. that's how much it means to have someone who understands there to listen. but some of it really is the steroids and the rest of it. i hate taking meds--i especially hate the idea of being dependent on something, and the feeling that my body (worse: my brain) is broken, that it's letting me down. i feel weak for needing help. but on the other hand, i feel functional for the first time in months. i've been sleeping more heavily than i wish i did--or really, later than i wish i did--i'm accustomed to leaping out of bed before anyone else and getting all kinds of stuff done. but that is a tradeoff i'm happy to make at this point. at least i'm sleeping.
and so this frees me up--this not spending all of my energy battling a migraine--to knit, cook, do laundry, and all the other things i haven't been doing much this summer. my productivity has skyrocketed this weekend, and my cheerfulness about it has as well. i cheerily cooked on friday, worked all day saturday and still knitted some, and today is about the same. this makes me very, very happy. it is as if i have my life back. and i've been blogging on one of my other blogs, what not to knit.
just kind of nice to feel like me again. like this *is* my beautiful life again.
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